How to Have a Stress Free Divorce?
How to Have a Stress Free Divorce?
What if I told you there are certain things you can do to have a stress-free divorce? Divorce can be one of the most isolating experiences that anyone goes through – in large part because it’s often not discussed enough. Divorce for women is a unique process because there can be so much shame that goes along with this it.
Since this process is hard as it is. You don’t need to stress over the things that can be resolved through clarity and certainty. These strategies will give you an optimistic and practical advice and remind you of that you’re not alone.
Pain & Disorder in Divorce
It’s important to accept that no divorce is easy. It will hurt, threaten your identity, and activate an avalanche of contradictory emotions. The longer you fight the pain, the more imprisoned you become by it.
This is why it becomes imperative to start post-divorce individual counseling during this transition. A good therapist will help you get control back over your emotions, so you don’t get triggered during court or divorce mediation meetings. A stress-free divorce is all about knowing how to keep your cool.
Temporary Chaos is a Part of Divorce
The fire gets hot and out of control, when you start personalizing every little thing your ex-husband says, does, or doesn’t do. Or worse yet, when you open up an investigation in your head trying to decipher the meaning behind his actions or words.
Top this all with the inner struggle and self-blame that comes from you feeling like a failure because your marriage failed, and you will get STRESS + FULL divorce. Put a notification of your phone several times a day to remind you that it’s not about YOU. You can read about how to overcome self-criticism and judgment here.
Expectations: Lover Vs. Parent
Parenting is the area that creates a lot of pain during divorce. To avoid stress and unnecessary friction, remember that you are parents first. You’re no longer lovers, so you shouldn’t have any expectations for your ex-husband that you might have had while you were married.
Now, he doesn’t owe you anything: not a call or thinking about your life, or how you feel. The only area of expectations you can have is around parenting.
Finding The New “I Love You”
Hate, anger, and resentment are the hallmarks of divorce. It causes a lot of stress for kids, as well. They worry that they will lose love from their parents. So it’s your job to provide that safety. You and your ex-husband might not love each other romanticly, but you need to work on nurturing the love you have for each other as parents.
Your children need to hear you say, “We might not be together anymore. But, we love you. I will always love your dad as your father and dad will love me as your mother. Love can be different. But it will not go anywhere from this family.”
“Letting Go” Plan
Make sure you don’t make rejection your obsession. Letting go of how you thought it would turn out is important. It’s very easy for the brain to grab onto anything familiar and see it as a comfort zone even if it’s slowly destroying you (i.e. bad marriage or holding onto the past).
Buddha teachings say “Whatever is not yours: let go of it.”
It can be abuse, rejection or manipulation. It isn’t yours to hold. Sometimes people do things that hurt you deeply. But often they have nothing to do with you. They do it because they’re scared, and not because you deserved them. It’s out of weakness that people do or say painful things.
What’s Important vs. Emotional
When you’re coping with a divorce, it’s vital to have a sit down with yourself to determine your priorities. I see it all the time that couples get in terrible fights over their division of assets. They lose the big picture.
Sometimes you got to lose a battle to win the war. So instead of focusing on how to get that luxurious furniture, think about what it’s really important. Divorce can open a door for you to rediscover your life – your values. Now you can actually start ANYTHING!
Evolve to a Gorgeous New You Post Divorce
Too many women wait until it’s late to start investing in themselves. Sometimes we feel guilty for moving on too quickly. We feel obligated to suffer and mourn. But when you’re going through the divorce, it’s a perfect time to bathe yourself in self-love, heal your broken heart, and prepare yourself for a healthy relationship in the future. If you struggle with guilt around self-love, then read this article on Self-love: Is it Selfish or Selfless?
I work with a lot of women who struggle to create a new life for themselves and their children following their divorce. Don’t wait. Start sooner than later. Having someone who understands what you’re going through can make all the difference in the world.
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