Should I Get A Divorce? 5 Things You MUST Consider
Do you struggle to find the right answer to the question “Should get a divorce or separate?” Have you ever felt unsure if you’re ready for divorce and how to go about asking for it? If your spouse says that he hates being near you. Or he feels like he doesn’t have anywhere to go that’s away from you. Or he’s constantly angry at you and throws abusive words. Or he is staying out all night just to avoid you. Then I will walk you through a powerful and new process for you to get crystal clear about what you want and what’s really behind the fear of asking for a divorce.
If you’re going through any one of this situation in your marriage, then I know how frustrated and torn you feel. It’s a painful position where you’re at right now. It sounds you’re questioning what to do. This might be getting you even more stuck in this toxic position. What you need to focus on instead is what you NEED TO DO.
Unknown Deep Rooted Fear Behind Divorce
Because if you allow the fear to drive your decisions – the fear of loneliness then it will not be the right decision. I’m trained in Gottman therapy. I can tell you that it’s hard to work with a couple where one partner has already checked out. I would even say it’s impossible. If you’re still considering couples counseling, then please read this post that will help you decide if it’s a good idea.
What sometimes holds one partner still trying to save their marriage when it’s not worth saving is their fantasy of what their marriage could have been. They recall the past or the moments where they felt like their partner loved them. And they keep fighting for that past forgetting that today is not the past. It’s NOW. And you can’t return the past. You can let it go and face what you have now, no matter how painful it’s. Once you do that, answers fall into their places.
Bankrupting Your Self-Worth
The strange part in all of this is that we have this tendency to keep investing into a relationship where the other person is not invested in it at all. It shouldn’t be this way. It’s like when a person does not want to be with us, it serves as a TURN ON. But it should be a turn-OFF.
Don’t invest into a relationship based on how much you like or love another person, but invest based on how much the other person invests in you or the relationship. Otherwise, you find yourself broken and with no self-esteem.
Below The Divorce Iceberg
Here’s where it gets real. We keep self-inflicting this pain onto ourselves because it’s driven by the fear of being alone and unworthiness. Yet, we don’t want to face it because it would force us to face the truth. The truth is the only person who can fill this void is us.
The fear of ending up alone or not being good enough is somewhere in you – rooted in the past. Unless you face it, you will keep scratching the surface. And when we do that, we end up coming up with the Band-Aid type explanations of it such as “it feels like we haven’t even tried to save our marriage.” When in reality what we are saying is “Am I really not worth fighting for?” But, you’re not the relationship.
Not Knowing Where It Starts and When It Ends
I’m working with many women who’re going through separation or breakup or healing from it. They all tell me that after many years of marriage they no longer know who they are because all they had been doing is giving themselves up completely in those relationships. Your identity becomes that relationship.
When the relationship is about to end, it’s like losing yourself. This is why you keep fighting for something you can’t or shouldn’t be fighting for. Because in all it’s honestly you’re fighting to save yourself – your identity and not so much the relationship. It’s just the two have been enmeshed for so long that you can’t decipher where YOU start and the relationship ends.
Emotional Battle Conquers Rational
It comes down self-esteem or self-worth. When you lose yourself and who you’re in a relationship, you also lose your self-respect. Because when a person doesn’t want to be around you and hates you, the rational and self-respecting thing would be to let them go. Is it painful? Yes.
But what’s more painful is seeking love somewhere else when love is not something you look for. It’s the place you come from. And maybe this breaking point in your life is an opportunity for you to get to know yourself, maybe for the first time in your life.
It’s about dating yourself.
It’s pivotal to do individual therapy at this point of your life so you come out of this stronger and more empowered than you’ve even been. I can help you if you’re ready! But more importantly without any conclusions or pains that would be detrimental to your future relationships. Because the last thing you want is to make your future just a replica of your past. Build the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Like this episode? Please share it! I can keep this blog and all my podcasts and videos ad-free and sponsor-free ONLY because you share my work! Please share or subscribe to my podcast and YouTube channel too!