Should I Get A Divorce? 5 Things You MUST Consider
Divorce or Not – A Tough Decision
Do you struggle to find the answer to the question “Should get a divorce or separate?” You feel stuck not knowing what to do next. Am I ready? How do I ask for it?
What if your spouse says that he hates being near you. Maybe, he feels like he doesn’t have anywhere to go that’s away from you. He ‘s so angry that his hate finds a way out through his words. He is staying out all night just to avoid you. What do you do?
I want to show you a powerful and new process for you to get crystal clear about what you want and what’s really behind the fear of asking for a divorce.
What to Do!
If you’re going through any one of these situations in your relationship, then I know how frustrated and torn you feel. It’s a painful position where you are right now. You are questioning what you want to do. And this might even get you more stuck in this toxic place. What you need to focus on instead is what you NEED TO DO.
Unknown Deep Rooted Fear Behind Divorce
Because if you allow the fear of loneliness to drive your divorce decisions, then it will not be the right decision. I have a wealth of knowledge and experience working with Gottman therapy, which is one of the few empirically validated approaches to relationship and divorce counseling. I can tell you that it’s hard to work with a couple where one partner has already checked out. I would even say it’s impossible. If you’re still considering couples counseling, then please read this post that will help you decide if it’s a good idea.
This is WHY You’re Stuck
What sometimes holds one partner still trying to save their marriage when it’s not worth saving is their fantasy of what their marriage could have been. They recall the past or the moments where they felt like their partner loved them.
And they keep fighting for that past forgetting that today is not the past. It’s NOW. And you can’t return the past. It’s time to let it go by facing what you have now, no matter how painful it is. Once you do that, answers fall into their places.
Losing Yourself in Divorce Process!
It’s so painful that we do this to ourselves. We keep investing into a relationship, even when the other person is not invested in it at all. It shouldn’t be this way. It’s like when a person does not want to be with us, it serves as a TURN ON. But it should be a TURN-OFF.
Don’t invest into a relationship based on how much you like or love another person, but invest based on how much the other person invests in you or the relationship. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself broken and with no self-esteem.
Here’s where it gets real. You keep self-inflicting this pain onto yourself because it’s driven by the fear of being alone and unworthiness. Yet, you don’t want to accept it because it would force you to face the truth. The truth is that the only person who can fill this void is YOU.
The fear of ending up alone or not being good enough is somewhere in you – rooted in the past. Unless you face it, you will keep scratching the surface. And when we do that, we end up coming up with the Band-Aid type explanations of it such as “it feels like we haven’t even tried to save our marriage.” When in reality what we are saying is “Am I really not worth fighting for?”
But, you’re not the relationship.
Not Knowing Where It Starts and When It Ends
I’m working with many women who’re going through separation or breakup or healing from it. What I hear is that after many years of marriage they no longer know who they are because all they had been doing is giving themselves up completely in those relationships. Their marriage has become their identity.
When the relationship is about to end, it’s like losing yourself. This is why you keep fighting for something you can’t or shouldn’t be fighting for. Because in all it’s honestly you’re fighting to save yourself – your identity and not so much the relationship. It is simply because you both are enmeshed. You fail to decipher where YOU start and the relationship ends.
Emotional vs. Rational Battle
It comes down self-esteem or self-worth. When you lose yourself and who you’re in a relationship, you also lose your self-respect. Because when a person doesn’t want to be around you and hates you, the rational and self-respecting thing would be to let them go. Is it painful? Yes.
But what’s more painful is seeking love somewhere else, when love is not something you look for. Love is the place you come from. It’s in you! And maybe this breaking point in your life is an opportunity for you to get to know yourself, maybe for the first time in your life.
It’s about dating yourself.
It is pivotal to do individual therapy at this point of your life, so you come out of this stronger and more empowered than you have even been. I can help you if you’re ready! But more importantly without any conclusions or pains that would be detrimental to your future relationships. Because the last thing you want is to make your future just a replica of your past. Build the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Once you’ve had a chance to read, I’d love to know: what aha or lesson from this conversation is most relevant to you now — and why?
No matter what you’re facing right now, there is an adventurous journey ahead. You can use your heart, courage and dedication to find a way or make a way. It all comes to how bad do you want to make it happen.
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