What Are Your Sexual Issues? 7 Things Every Woman Must Know
Sexual Issues: Every Woman Must Know
Let’s talk about sexual problems outside of the medical realm. I’m tired of talking about sexual issues as if they’re our biological abnormality. Working with a lot of women and being one myself, I see that sexual issues originate in our beautiful mind.
Sometimes we can deny and rationalise them using our crazy busy schedule or “it’s like that for everybody,” but we’re often fooling only ourselves. Unfortunately, we wake up and see the problem only when we hit a painful threshold: infidelity, new great relationship and we’re in fear of losing it, divorce, or unhealed sexual trauma.
This is why I want to share the top 7 sexual issues that come up in my private practice working with REAL women one-on-one. The issues that have powerful potential to destroy even a healthy relationship as well as your self-value.
Sex Validates His Love
We tend to place a lot of value on sex, yet we do nothing to learn about it, create it, or understand our partner’s likings. However, when they don’t give us sex we feel unseen, unloved, and undesirable. All of a sudden sex becomes one of the few vehicles we have that give us external validation of their love. If we have regular sex, it must mean that everything is perfect.
“Did we have sex this week? How many times? Hm…he doesn’t love me as much anymore.” Sex is intimacy, closeness, touch, vulnerability, and openness. You can give him sex, but he might never experience all of that closeness.
You Give It to Him
During different stages of our lives, we tend to focus on everything else but our partner. Many of us, women, were taught to care for a man’s sexual needs because this is what they need from us the most. Such BS! But let’s continue…We go and give them sex even when we don’t want to that day. We make ourselves an alternative to a dead body, whom he fucks because he is just an animal. Scary, right?
What about pregnancy? I see women having sex with their partners just for a check mark. She doesn’t come, he does so in 5 minutes and they move on. She thinks he’s happy because he got his bone, and she feels like she met her expectations as a kind and loving wife. Is it love though? Men sense when you’re checked out during sex, or worse yet, you put on a show for him with a serenade of “do me harder” screams. You might fool a twenty-year-old, but a mature man can’t be fooled as easily!
Sex is Too Short for Anyone’s Liking
I see this contradiction happening in so many women’s minds. They just give sex, and then they get mad that it lasted only 5 minutes. When you throw a bone to a dog, he doesn’t come with a fork and a knife to savor the meal. He chews it up quickly because he knows that it might be all he’ll ever get. When he’s done, he cleans up and off he goes. Not even a “thank you”.
Yet, we sit in self-pity wondering why he’s so selfish or how he’s ok with this awful sex. Instead of talking about it, we dwell on it and continue doing things that perpetuate the behavior that is causing us the most pain and destroying our relationships.
Chicken in The Oven Based Sex
Another sexual issue that I see often is that sex is entirely outcome based. During sex, we’re in our heads going through the to-do list, or counting minutes for it to be over, so we can finally go and deal with the pile of work. We’re rushing for the intercourse and then toward the finishing line called orgasm. Many people call it ‘maintenance sex’. You have it because you know you should be having it. And it sort of feels good.
You stop wanting sex as often because the quality suffers even when the quantity remains.
But once you have a clear outcome in sex, it takes away adventure, playfulness, and spontaneity out of it. As a result, you stop wanting it as often because the quality suffers even when the quantity remains. Instead of having a laid out map of what needs to happen, start with touch and kiss. See where that will go. This is already plenty of outcomes.
I Need Him to Experience Pleasure
Do you enjoy having solo sex? Do you take the time to explore your body and gift yourself the powerful orgasms that only you can give you? It’s heartbreaking for me to know the reality. Too many women tell me that they can’t orgasm on their own because they feel they need a man do that for them. Solo feels weird, boring, and unsatisfying for them.
Solo sex is like the foundation of a newly built home. You can’t build a solid home that will stand for ages if you have a poor foundation. You’re giving away the power of your sexuality that is only yours to have. You’re placing a heavy load on his shoulders without even asking him. It’s not for him to carry.
No Sexual Communication
When I work with women who’re facing the pain of infidelity, they usually tell me that they saw the red flags of their relationship and intimacy drift apart. They often were doing one or all of the 7 things I talk about in this article. They knew that the couple in their relationship was falling apart but they didn’t really do anything about it.
They tried a few baby steps that felt like gigantic ones at a time. Then they stopped trying. The couple was looking for each other in a big home but couldn’t find each other. They also didn’t look for too long either.
Communication is where most of the people run into the problems. I mean the communication you have with yourself, let alone with somebody else. The issue is exacerbated when it’s time to talk about sex. The best advice I can give is to find ways in which you can communicate with your partner when intimacy and connection start to disappear. Instead of pondering why the other isn’t doing anything about it and then withdrawing from a relationship, talk.
All erotic love is directed at children. It’s common to see one parent abandon the romantic relationship, and the other still with one foot in the relationship and another in parenting. Just because it’s common it doesn’t mean it’s normal! During this time, you’re checked out of your romantic partnership and lost yourself in parenting.
It’s so easy to fulfill all of your needs through children. They’re playful, curious, adventurous, and connecting. The unfortunate thing about it is that your partner is still craving you.
This week I’d like to know:
What’s one thing you wish you could change (or stop doing) about your intimate life that you don’t think is possible? What sexual issue prevented your relationship from becoming stronger?
Once you’ve had a chance to read, I’d love to know what are the sexual issues you’re dealing with right now that kill your confidence?
No matter what you’re facing right now, there is an adventurous journey ahead. You can use your heart, courage, and dedication to find a way or make a way. It all comes to how bad you want to make it happen.
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